Turning inward to understand why we’re struggling with a situation can be more constructive than looking for reasons around us. We shirk accountability when we try to blame others or our environment, which is usually a result of engaging in cognitive distortions, it distracts us from recognizing our role in the situation.
Cognitive distortions are mental filters and biases that develop through recurring thought patterns that are designed to help assimilate information in order to protect us. However, it can do more harm than good as these biases overgeneralize situations and lead to inaccurate perceptions, which more often than not further fuel our anxiety.
Recognizing and challenging these distortions help break out of patterns that are based on assumptions, and move towards those rooted in reality.
Mental filtering is a type of confirmation bias (where we look for evidence that supports our belief). In this case, we focus only on the negatives and ignore the positive aspects of a situation. Such as fixating on the one thing that wasn’t ticked off your to-do list and not acknowledging the tasks that you have completed. This may be our way of trying to stay motivated but it usually backfires, leaving us feeling unaccomplished, unsatisfied, and most likely stressed.
Jumping to Conclusions is when we assume we know what happened, and what they feel or said about us. “She didn’t say hi properly, she must be mad at me”. This distortion leads us to interpret such situations personally, we assume we’re the reason behind their odd behavior, ignoring the possibility that they might be preoccupied and unaware of their curt response.
All or Nothing thinking is when we think in extremes. We see only in black or white, ignoring the grey that comes with reality. An example of this filter is the popular phrase “Do it right or don’t do it at all”, which tends to be interpreted as “If I don’t succeed the first time, it’s not worth doing”, anything below 100% is seen as a complete failure. This is counterproductive as mistakes are natural, they are our way of learning and can never be entirely avoided. For example, say we want to get into a healthy routine, we decide to wake up early, follow a certain diet and exercise plan, along with a skincare routine. As these are several, significant changes we’re making simultaneously, it is natural for us to struggle with being consistent. However, with all-or-nothing thinking, if one scheduled task is missed, such as waking up on time, we’re likely to feel something along the lines of “What’s the point of doing anything today, I didn’t wake up on time, now my whole day is thrown off”. The pressure of an all or nothing approach can lead to feeling stuck and shaming oneself.
Blaming is when we make someone responsible for how we feel. It is natural for hurtful behavior to bring up negative feelings, however, we tend to forget that we are in control of how we respond to the situation. For example, if someone makes a negative comment about us, we may feel upset, but when engaging in blaming we allow for it to consume our entire day. We feel unable to snap out of it and blame them for “making me feel bad about myself”, hence giving others more power over our life, than ourselves.
The Fallacy of Change is the faulty belief that in order for one to be happy, others must change. This comes into play when we pressure and nag someone to make these changes, instead of expressing our needs and allowing the person to decide whether it is a change they’d like to incorporate or not. The former usually ends in resentment, defeating the purpose of being happier. Example: “Our relationship will be better if my partner is more productive” - we start to push the person towards this change by constantly talking to them about it or asking them to do certain things, without taking into consideration how they feel about it. Similarly, another version of the same is when we feel our happiness is dependent on someone’s actions (what they do or don’t do). “My day is ruined if my partner doesn’t call me”.
The Fallacy of Control is when we assume an inaccurate amount of control in life, we either feel we’re in control of everything or nothing. The latter renders us powerless and leads to blaming others; while the former is the other extreme where one takes responsibility for the joy, as well as the pain of those around them. Similar to personalizing things, we feel we’re the reason why the situation is so, and this bias leads us to believe that we have failed everyone and that others' behavior is related to us. For example, someone is upset for a reason entirely separate from us and we try to cheer them up, but when it doesn’t work we feel as though we’ve failed, and may even start feeling responsible for them being upset, even when it has nothing to do with us.
Cognitive distortions are natural, everyone engages with them at some point, but, that doesn’t mean they’re helpful. When feeling overwhelmed or stuck in an overthinking spiral - pause and reflect, can you identify any cognitive distortions at play? If so, what can we do about them? Cognitive behavioral therapy helps identify unhelpful beliefs and thinking patterns that lead to such distortions. Once this is identified, learning to rationalize and challenge these beliefs help develop healthier patterns.
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