Forgiveness has long been hailed as one of the tenets of most cultures and religious beliefs across the world. It’s considered to be a character, strength or virtue and has long been ingrained in us as children. We are often provided with the understanding that forgiving someone makes us the better person, that it is a gift or an act of kindness which grants one peace and absolves them of harbouring hatred, negativity, and thoughts of revenge.
A concept seemingly easy to grasp at first, manifests itself in complicated ways in practice. Some of the instances which has plagued my understanding of the same revolves around:
Does forgiveness mean to forget what transpired? (Inspired by the adage ‘forgive and forget’)
Does it mean reconciling with the person or rebuilding a relationship with them?
Does it mean to move on with the acceptance that it happened and absolve oneself of the memories which bring about pain?
Does it imply that we are okay with what they did?
Does it mean telling someone that I forgive them because it is expected of me?
These dilemmas make forgiveness a complex construct which is highly detrimental in one’s growth, well-being and mental health. Lack of forgiveness may give rise to bitterness, thoughts of vengeance, sadness and fear of trusting others; which may have consequences such as anxiety, low self-esteem, social withdrawal or even depression over a period of time. If not addressed, this may start affecting our everyday functioning and impact the way we relate to the world and ourselves.
In individualistic cultures, people forgive with a personal motivation – be it clearing their conscience, absolving themselves of the burden or to be the better individual. However, in collectivistic cultures, forgiveness often has a tinge of social well-being. The motivation to forgive stems from the need to maintain the harmony within the group.
This difference in cultures brings to the focus decisional forgiveness and emotional forgiveness. The former is a cognitive, analytical type of forgiveness which resonates with the collectivistic culture – the need to keep the group happy. The latter resonates more with individualistic cultures where forgiveness is offered to satisfy one's emotional needs. Therefore, decisional forgiveness needs to stem from emotional forgiveness to avoid the discord between one’s belief and actions (cognitive dissonance), to avoid a negative impact on our mental health.
Various misconceptions regarding the topic leads to a skewed perception of what it really means - forgiving someone does not change what happened in the past; it does not mean a reversal to your previous state of being or that your pain is gone. Even while burying the hatchet with someone, it is important to remember that the object still exists, and that it is concealed under the soil.
Forgiveness to a larger extent is a decision made to let go of the resentment and pain while changing the narrative in order to reduce its hold on your current life. It gives us control to choose what it means to forgive the other and take stock of the situation in order to evaluate your future course of actions. It also involves being empathetic and compassionate to oneself and well as the other person.
How one chooses to forgive someone is subjective. In many cases forgiveness may come along with reconciliation, in others this may be difficult or not appropriate. It is important to understand that forgiveness may happen without reconciliation. It can be a choice based on the individual’s appraisal of the situation and what it means for their overall well-being.
In conclusion, forgiveness can be a decisive step in one’s mental health. It opens one up to the freedom they have been holding from themselves and leads to an overall improvement in one’s mental health, fostering virtues of courage and love. It is a window to the future where one finally takes control over their narrative by moving away from their role as a victim.
Jyothis Thomas is a counselling psychologist and practicing therapist with The Burrow.
Very insightful!